Borrowed, Blue, Old and New

I signed off of Facebook but kept my IG and Tumblr. I decided that I would revisit the world of Blogger. This is mainly for myself ... a way for me to journal digitally. So while I decided that my FB account would get a break, I am now being surrounded with IG posts of happiness; folks that feel the need to share other people's FB posts and real life announcements.

I had dreams of having the ring, a big wedding, a house and a couple of kids. But now as I approach year 40 I continue to be saddened by the direction my life has taken. I have made choices, or lack thereof, that have obviously led me to where I am.

Sometimes I wish I held out for a ring and a actual wedding. A wedding where my father walked me down the aisle. A wedding were my family danced.

I wish I was more diligent in college and then I would be further in my career than where I am now ... stuck indefinitely as a hospital secretary.

I have reproductive issues that I have not been diligent with and now that I am older, having my own children aren't in the cards.

I can probably sit here and be sad about it but it isn't going to change a thing. However, I can't lie and say that I am not affected. My heart is constantly heavy with sadness. A sadness  I can't seem to shake. I am praying for peace ... I don't want to feel bitterness towards anyone experiencing their well deserved happiness ... but it's there and it's heavy.

Long time

It's been a long time since I've made a blog entry. So much has happened as well as just as little ... My live is fairly boring. January of this year, I finally decided why not ... I am currently a student at SSC working on getting that AA in Business Management. It is definitely harder now that my mind doesn't feel as sharp as it use to be. This semester I took a science course. I need a science class to fulfill the requirements for the degree. I hate science. I don't get it. So I went with something that I thought would be remotely interesting. So I went with Astronomy. I think after this semester I will definitely never look at the sky the same way again. The class is so hard but I am muscling through it. I have a little over a month left to this semester and I can't wait for it to be over.

I am currently working night shift and I can honestly say I am not as young as I use to be. Working nights is horrible. What makes it worse is that I really have a strong dislike for my current employer. The shade and the passive aggressive behavior makes it borderline unbearable. I thank God for the handful of coworkers that make the 12 hours move along.

I am going to attempt to make a weekly entry. On Saturdays I think. I just want a central place where I can jot down my thoughts. FB use to be a place for me to go but it has become battle ground for politics and antipolitics. Eh - no one is reading this except for me so I see this as my safe place.